Sometimes you encounter forces so great and abusive, far beyond what is human and explainable, that you are confused whether you have to accept your imminent defeat or if you have to put all doubts about the reality of comparative strengths, and fight against the perceived injustice, which, for all we know, seems to drag on till the end, the end of either hope, or of breath. Without you knowing, you become a coward by persisting to be brave. Without you realizing, the principles you lived-by form a death trap you are destined to step on. Without you feeling, you become empty of the very emotions that once defined everything for you. Just when you realize you are too tired and cannot fight, the force pushes you down an abyss that you believed cannot go any deeper than where you already are. You are overridden with rage, that even in the moments that you believe are your last ones, the force still expects you to put up a fight. The rage helps you recover some sanity, and strength, and fight a little longer before everything circles back to your waning hope and tiring soul. It is as if the force throws you down a very deep abyss and the only way out is that you, a human, must grow wings to get out of the darkness and gloom. All the poems you wrote about flying don’t really mean anything, unless of course you find someone who makes you believe that you are not actually falling, but flying. Well, that again brings everything to the great and abusive force that snatches your only light, and the whole things repeats till the end, the end of either hope, or breath.
This week, we want a window into the complexity that is you. We want the recipe for all the bits and pieces and quirks and foibles and loves that make you you.
This is going to be long, brace yourself.
Although my recipe, the me, does has flesh as one of its large number of ingredients, it is vegetarian. So, you can expect to find a , somewhere on my body, although I’d highly recommend that you don’t go searching for it. I simply can’t seem to make a list of all the ingredients that make the recipe. Even the thought of making such an effort is sucking away all the vitamins from me.
*Suddenly, a magnet enters the creation room*
Oh! No! Stop! Stop! Noooo!!! Not my iron, nooooo!
*Magnet escapes with the loot*
Why me! Why is the world so cruel and unfair!
Low on iron, the recipe was going to end up being tall and skinny, being able to both reach for the high apple in the garden of Eden and being blown away by a quiet breeze right before I pluck it. Darn! Someone added fate without my knowledge and I hardly know what effect it will have on the final recipe. Who was it? Is he the one who sent the magnet? Why?
Later, by a happy accident, philosophy slipped into the cauldron in which raw good and evil were getting cooked at such high temperatures, the solution looked redder than what lava would look like if it was blushing. Although at first it did seem like a happy accident, I soon realized that it would have been better if it happened, maybe, 10 years later. The cauldron has been on flame for only 17 years, that poor thing exploded after philosophy got mixed into it, it was like a burden from then on. I looked at the world with disbelief, the stark diversity of a man’s actions, swinging from extreme evil to extreme godliness.
I needed to heal my wounds after that explosion, which kind of caused people to discriminate me, like an untouchable, although not in the complete literal sense. To be precise, the explosion made me an introvert. I added analytical and factual reasoning to my reality, the science of deduction, as Sherlock Holmes would call it. I saw people make choices, I saw what led to their choices, what the choices made them. It all made sense. I saw people abuse power, I saw humble people crumble to dust. I saw a writing on the wall. But I am only 20, it all weighed too much upon me. I needed to vent these fumes of restlessness, rage and realization. I needed another world.
And I then added love, faith, hope and trust. This helped the ticking bomb in me stay dormant. Nature was always a part of the recipe, what fellow humans couldn’t contribute to my recipe, nature did and with love. Although, sometimes, her fury would scare the crap out of every living thing. But hey, she is not angry for no reason, she has us humans to deal with. Just beside this cauldron was a kettle in which a mixture of experiences was being boiled. The kettle started rattling fervently. Gosh! What is wrong now. Maybe I have to get some experiences off my heart. So I took out a cup of the contents from the kettle and poured it into a mold called writing. It conjured interesting shapes and patterns, and that gave a little peace to my mind in midst of such a buzzing ambiance.
Writing gave my recipe a new dimension, and only then did I realize how much I needed it. Even before my recipe(the me) was complete, which is going to take 40-60 years depending on the course of action humans take to counter the growing insensitivity in humans and the global warming triggered by them, I was able to visit new worlds through imagination and other manifestations of the burning need to express. So, I soon kind of learned the craft of multitasking. I faded in and out of all these worlds, all the same trying to continue completing my recipe in this world. But sometimes I am lost in thought, wondering if I have to regret not taking the orthodox path to cooking. The general approach of the youth in this world, that seems to have so much energy and fun in it. But the reasons why I chose the path I am currently on quickly surface back to the fore and I continue stirring. But my recipe would be incomplete, no matter how much mastery I learn, if all coal became ashes, if all the water is evaporated and if all the fire was dead. What am I saying? That I need help. Love. Trust. Faith. Freedom. They make up the air I breathe and in their absence, I move to my end quickly.
If you made it this far, visitor, then I bow to you and thank you.
I was on my college bus today when I heard a loud thud. I turned my head and looked at a 18-year old thumping his feet on the floor of the bus. He seemed upset. And angry. And sad. And tortured.
Two guys in the front seat were facing that guy and saying, “it’s okay. don’t get angry. it was for fun”.
I didn’t understand what was happening. And then the guy next to him told, “Those two guys were mocking his stuttering voice”.
Seriously, that guy was in tears. He has a stuttering voice, for heaven knows god is kind(sarcasm? yes).
I let out a deep sigh.
It was one thing to tease people about stupid stuff that they did. And it is another thing to mock and tease someone who is specially-abled. That too mocking that very thing that makes them special? Sick, insensitive and (almost) soulless.
I was angry. I will not add an adjective to let you understand how angry I am at those guys, because there simply is no such word I know of that could quantify my anger.
And I stared at them. I was sitting in the adjacent section of seats on the left, they were laughing.
Laughing. How insensitive one must be to mock someone like that and yet not feel one bit of guilt or remorse, not even when their mockery made an 18 year old boy cry.
I was sad too. It made me sad to think of how people like them continue to trample people emotionally as if it was their daddys’ job to tease, mock they inherited.
I let out a deep sigh again.
I told myself that I wouldn’t let my anger show. That I wouldn’t let my anger make me go shout in their faces that they must reconsider their way of living before growing up in size and masculinity. I remember how I loathed the same two guys a few weeks back when I had to sit next to them on the bus. They were talking crap about women and sex, girlfriends and groping. For all you need to know about me, I am a feminist. Now think what I would have gone through hearing that stuff. I wanted to bang their faces on rock.
But I stayed put. I gulped down everything because no one(family) wants me to get into fights, more so when the enemy is bad. And I am hardly the violent type. I am skinny, tall and unpleasantly always angry, thanks to people like these two guys that I easily spot in every corner of the world I live-in daily. I don’t know what my well wishers assume when they draw lines before me, stopping me from raising my voice against the bad. What it does though is I have to deal with more anger than there already is, that I am not allowed to try to right the wrong. But yeah, I understand their concerns too but nevertheless, I think I must be free to tell someone that he is hurting the world and that he needs to stop.
Anyway, I let go off everything and got down the bus at my place. The fact that this guy who was teased stopped crying and let out an angry growl. That convinced me that he would stay strong through this little but unacceptable ordeal.
I was happy, but not at peace.
None at all.
His rival fell behind,
He could care less,
And run the final yard,
And win the prize.
He is more than that.
Accepting life doesn’t mean to win over the weak if life just gifts you the oppurtunity,
It is a gift you must reject to realize your true purpose,
To be equal,
If it asks you to be a loser,
So must you be.
But the devil spoke,
He was more than that,
But he chose to be less than it.
And regret stole his peace.
When odds favored him,
That we call luck,
He made it his enemy,
A price he accepted to pay,
To be the more than him he knows he is.
Before I say my words, lets just see what Cristiano Ronaldo and many other footballers do(most of the time) when they are tackled on pitch.
Now, let us see what Lionel Messi does during same situations, sometimes even worse tackles.
All I will say is one thing, the question is who is best, Ronaldo or Messi was never a doubt to me.
A man humble and honest by choice is a man to be respected. And the best? You know it.
#Lionel Messi. #Respect.
or in any other part of the world except where actually it is right now.
I donno. I thought this was funny, that India is in Asia not in North America or in Europe or in any other part of the world.
This came up into my mind because there is a football tournament called UEFA Champions League, UEFA being Union of European Football Associations, going on in Europe.
Now, this year’s version of the tournament got some murky slur on it. A club from Switzerland made use of some ineligible players in the tournament and the FIFA has ordered the Football Association(FA) of Switzerland to punish the club and players, threatening to neutralize Switzerland FA.
Now, this was some politics.
Politics is now getting into football too, i reflected.
And my head took a sharp turn and landed at INDIAN POLITICS.
And more funnily, my head said, “Thank God, India Is Not In Europe”
Because, i love football and i didn’t want football to be a shi* like our Indian Politics. As simple as that.
Because if India was in Europe, Europe wouldn’t be Europe, i fear.
This is creepy, for all those living in the other parts of the world : INDIA IS IN ASIA, THANK GOD!! YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE EACH DAY WATCHING POLITICAL CRAP ON TV, AT LEAST YOU GET SOME NICE,CLEAN FOOTBALL.
P.S : I am atheist. And i aimed this at none in person. And if Indians felt offended, i tell you – I Too Am Damn One Of You.
Isn’t the simple combination of white and black a much celebrated rainbow for a blind who has seen only black all life.
Isn’t the sound emanated from the fall of a metal pin among waves of silence an eloquent melody for a deaf who has heard nothing but his/her own thoughts and pains resounding all life.
Isn’t the tiniest syllable an inspiring speech that would embrace the mother’s heart, for a dumb who has but to gesture with hands all the feelings that run through him/her, all life.
What i intend to suggest by talking all this?
That i am devastated.
Though the truth that we yet found ways to cross these obstacles partially heals my wound, a wound caused by the very existance of such injustifiable pains right from birth.(i don’t talk of people who are not ‘special’ by birth because we never know, they might have done something bad in life to deserve this ‘special’ status). And i am only talking of humans! Think of all living species.
a2-b2 = (a+b)(a-b),
if i can learn this formula with one glimpse of it,
when others take 100-1000 recitations to master it,
and if that is called being gifted,
then damn, i loathe myself,
and i loathe god for doing it to me,
to put me above others,
and to force us into living with it.
but i am proud of my choice. I defy god. If he could only see what i feel about all this, he would never dare to do something like this again.
P.S : This is just one of many such ‘gifted’ things, as they are called, which ruin lives than making them better. And i stand by it as hard as a rock against the sea’s constant threatening tides, just because the rock knows it has not chosen to be on the tide’s path. And if the tide thinks it was the rock’s choice to stand in it’s way, then the tide misunderstood the reality. Or should i say, God let the tide misunderstand the rock or to be exact, the reality. We are fools if we don’t see the truth. I am none who takes pleasure in being gifted. I counter question the simple ‘logic’ of being gifted. Who’s work it is? Who’s work it is to put lives of a few at the mercy of others, by birth that is. Just like this one?
These are questions one can understand only if he
1> is willing to spend time thinking of these ‘trivial’ matters
2> actually implements it
3> is willing to accept what ever truth that is waiting to be found
4> stands by the truth rather than wear a mask that would make his living safe and easy
As for the answers, well! God hid many things, We ourselves hid many things too. So, simply, its not easy.
i agree that pain,love,sadness and happiness are all equal proportions of life,
but damn the unfair proportions, right from birth. not for all though but for a good number and i choose to question the entire being of god for those few. be it people or animals or something else. God needs to answer me, for i talk of those who question him, for every unfair thing he created. I would do my bit to undo it, help the reality. But nevertheless, i won’t loosen the grip on his collar.
If this example was not clear enough, then i will clear the air with this arrow to your heart, Humans!
I am born with all limbs and senses working well,
Many in the world are not so lucky though,
what do u call it?
I am gifted?
Or they are cursed?
By choosing the first one, i did a favor to God. What the favor is? you ask?
You should understand,
being partial by gifting someone is a bit better than
being partial by cursing someone. (though both are a treason god made!)
and all this is naught but pure reality of time if there is no god at all.
I could easily say that it is the second thing, though that is what it really is. But i want people to know it. realize it. For that, i choose the first and thus i did god an unlikely favor. Protecting him from a mass rebuttal due to sudden realization. my choice would make things slow, realization slow. humans will start to ponder, rather than blindly believe just as they do now.
If some God believers felt offended, go tell it to god. ask it to yourself first, the second example i gave. After questioning the self, if pain doesn’t form a rock in your mouth, and if pain doesn’t form wound in your heart, and if pain doesn’t form lava in your stomach, then you are living a life that really is a not a life.
i speaketh the world’s wailing truths,
i thinketh the world’s full of stark scarring realities,
i revolt the world’s ravenous lusts,
i jolt upright the world’s sleeping brutes,
i carry a message for the world’s worst habitants,
i parry the force that tries to usurp me by merging me into the world’s insane evolution,
i wield good around people who deserve it, warding off the world’s bloody hands,
i yield what i ought to, i sow what i ought to, at least i try finding truth among the world’s masked face,
i hear what i think i have to, though the world is all mouth for crap,
i bear what i have to, if it is an insult i should bear and if it would help change the world’s continuous counter-blaming, i would,
i rise when i see the world rising higher, its not pride but fear, that this evil world will overpower the little tender good, i should reign even if i am mistaken to be a dictator,
i surmise, when time comes, i leave with naught but the pure harvest of the crops i grew, peace be the world’s and my family’s.
god has summoned thou too early.
god was jealous of what thou were to become –
a lovely child for a lovely mother and father,
a lovely little sister for a grown-up sibling,
a cute and inspiring elder sister for a still-learning baby sibling.
thou have come into this world accepting everlasting love from thy mother,
thou have come into this world expecting everlasting care from thy father,
thou got both, from both, to the fullest.
today is a day they would remind themselves of all the past,
all the memories thou have left them, each one of it a happy one.
today is not entirely different, but different nevertheless, for they remember thou every moment, everyday.
thou have been raised very good,
god was jealous of what thou were to become
and of what thy parents were to achieve by raising such a child as thee.
god has summoned thou too early.
for nay can be done now except true and pure remembrance of thee,
thy family seeks courage and strength.
bestow upon thy family with what they need – courage,faith,love,respect,care,purity.
all that thy family wants is thou in the form of thy siblings,
fulfilling what thou’s life promised. love.care.truth.purity.respect, for thou are a woman.
fly like wind,
sweep away the fears of thy family,
wipe aside gently the tears of thy family,
assure thy parents that thy siblings will fulfill what thee was destined to, too.
show thyself in thy siblings and reflect what thy parents gave thee – love,care,truth,purity,respect – reflect all and let thy parents relish and cherish the moment, the moment when they see their daughters make them proud.
reign over thy family like a tree’s caring shade,
reign over thy family like a mother’s lullaby,
reign over thy family like an innocent infant whose sight makes everyone smile,
reign over thy family.
to end my words is an everlasting dream that can never come true,
yet, my words have to come to a halt,
silence settles inside me, trapping words and feeling beyond expression.
forgive me on their behalf,
i thinketh i can talk on this,
i thinketh my words are reassuring and kind enough to soothen thy family a bit.
but if thy family feel it otherwise,
forgive me on their behalf.
It teaches everything, have no doubt about it.
But saying that,
Life teaches most of the morals in metaphors.
Shortly, i will write about this festival ‘Diwali’ or ‘Deepaavali’ celebrated by Indians. This festival is a mark of a win of GOOD over EVIL few milliena back. The two people the whole world needs to know about are – Kausalya puthra(son) Rama Chandra and Janaka puthrika(daughter) Janaki Sita. I will do all i can to put these two pious and true souls’ true characters into words here in further posts, but presently – it is the diyas ( or lantern or lights) celebration.
Jai Shri Ram.
But the thing to note is that i am an atheist which makes all my admiration towards these two souls, considered as GOD an GODDESS, even more intriguing. Quite rightly so, they are no God and Goddess for me but something more than that.